ENTERTAINMENT/HUMOUR

This section is dedicated to those who entertain us

and we would like to build up a list of entertainers

in the area south of Alicante, so please feel free to

send us your details of

who you are, what you do and where.

Also if you have a good clean joke with a Torrevieja slant.

Baz, any rude ones will be censored.

In the Garden of Eden by Andy Ormiston

Some people coming to Spain look for a little paradise and some find it between the salt lakes of Torrevieja a sort of Eden del Mar as Torrevieja's Mayor would say.

For many gardeners their own little plot of land is either a paradise where one can lose oneself in the beauty of Mother Nature or a hell fighting against weeds, pests and the other face of Mother Nature. The garden is a good place for a little reflection on the first gardener Adam - and his other half, Eve. The birth of Christ for some people means an annual visit to church for the Midnight Mass. For Christians Christ is often called the Second Adam as he has fulfilled the promises of redemption God made in the Garden of Eden; so in this Christmas edition we will take a little look at that first pair of our ancestors - Adam and Eve.

Some scientists are now telling us that according to gene testings we all come from the one woman. Stanford University scientists are now saying that Adam never knew Eve, as the famous Y chromosome is 84,000 years younger than an important cell on our maternal side and both developed on their own before joining up. The first woman lived in Africa 143,000 years ago, so was likely to have had a dark skin. Despite what the scientist say, God made man first, as He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

However, the book of Genesis tells us in its own quaint way that God made Adam and Eve, giving them the responsibility of looking after the Garden of Eden and all the species therein. But God, as we all know, was not too happy with Man´s response. What did God say after creating man? "I must be able to do better than that." Adam was obviously the first gardener and knew a great deal about animal husbandry, but today people continue to argue about what is the oldest profession.

One surgeon claimed that his must be the oldest as God had to operate to take a rib from Adam to create Eve. An architect claimed that his must be the oldest profession as God had to create order from chaos. "Mine must be the oldest profession," claimed the civil servant, "for who created the chaos in the first place?" But all the girls on the roundabouts know theirs is the first profession. Which reminds me of a dilemma of Adam.

Adam as the first Man was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely although he had plenty of animals as pets. Watching the antics of the rabbits made him feel even more lonely. God asked him what was wrong. Adam said he didn´t have anyone to talk to, so God decided he would give him a companion and it would be a womb-man. God told Adam that the womb-man would cook for him, wash his clothes, and always agree with every decision he made. She would bear his children and always agree with every decision he made. She would bear his children and never ask him to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She would not nag him and would always be the first to admit she was wrong during a disagreement. She would never have a headache and would freely give him love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what a womb-man would cost him. God told him, "An arm and a leg". Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?".............the rest is history.

Adam decided to go for it and was put into a deep sleep by God and when he woke up he had a pain in his side - Eve, the first woman was born. Adam asked God what he should do now. God told him to copy the birds and the bees, so Adam wandered hand in hand with Eve into the forest, but returned in a few minutes to ask another question of God. "God, God." "Yes, what is it now Adam?""Tell me God, just what is a headache?"

We know from the Bible that God first created the world and then He rested. He then created Man and rested. He next created woman and, ever since, neither God nor Man has rested.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.   The first thing God said to them was:   "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," said God.

"Forbidden fruit?   Really?   Where is it?"   Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.

"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry.    "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why DID you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.   Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

There is a reassurance in this story.   If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself.   If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?

However, Adam and Eve soon followed the examples of the birds and the bees and even the rabbits, as God told them to increase and multiply. It seems that when God made the Garden of Eden he had a word with Adam bestowing on him twenty years of normal sex life. The Man was horrified having tasted a bit of the forbidden fruit and wanted a bit more, but God was adamant, that was all man could get.

Then God called the monkey and gave him twenty years of normal sex life. "But I don´t need twenty years", protested the monkey, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten, then?" The monkey agreed.

Then God called the lion and gave him twenty years. "But I don´t need twenty years, only ten like the monkey." Again Adam spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said that of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he also was given twenty years, but like the others, ten was sufficient and again when Adam pleaded with him the donkey said that of course he could have the other ten years.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years making an ass of himself. Of course, Eve couldn't care a fig leaf about all that. The devil tempted them and when Adam succumbed to the temptation of knowing good from evil Eve realised just what a snake in the grass he really was. This may sound rather a macho tale and although Eve didn't wear the trousers in the house (who did then?) she was Abel to raise Cain with Adam whenever she felt the need.

Adam was walking in the Garden of Eden looking a bit downcast and God asked him what was the matter. Adam admitted he had some little communication problems with Eve. "Tell Me, Adam" commanded God. "Well, she's very beautiful and I love just looking at her," replied Adam, "and I have to admit I enjoy her in bed. In fact I am crazily in love with her."

"That's good," said God, "I made her like that so you would love her." "Oh I do, I do," responded Adam. "She is so talented as well: does all the housework efficiently, cooks well, cares for my every need, and is so good in and around the garden and I love her for all that as well," continued Adam. "That's why I made her like that," said God, "so that you would love her." "Yes, I do love her," Adam went on, "but to be truthful, God, she is a bit thick and can't hold a decent conversation. In fact, she is really a bit stupid." God said, "I know that as well, Adam, I had to make her like that so she could love you."

However, the real truth of creation is that Eve was very lonely in the Garden of Eden and she told God who said, "I tell you what. I'll create a man for you to satisfy your physical needs and hunt and gather for you. He will also be proud and arrogant - so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. That'll be our secret, just between us two girls."

Like everyone else eventually Adam and Eve died and went to heaven. A long time later so did Sherlock Holmes, but on his arrival at the Pearly Gates St. Peter asked him who he was and what he had done. "I'm the world's greatest detective," he said modestly. Peter said he had never heard of him and decided that he must be put to the test so pointing to the millions of people in heaven Peter asked which were Adam and Eve. "Elementary, my dear Saint," replied Holmes, "those two without any navels." Think about it.

Now one of the results of man being thrown out of the Garden of Eden was that his body started suffering all sorts of aches and pains and the various parts of the body decided they must do something about it...but who? This is a short story of The Colonoscopy -

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood,  "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,  "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge!

Torrevieja now has quite a large courthouse, the Palacio de Justicia, and there is always something going on. So here is another bit of information for you.

In a trial, in Torrevieja the fiscal called his first  witness; Señora Perez, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached herand asked, "Señora Perez,, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Señor Jiménez, I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

 You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk 

about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. You've robbed umpteen foreigners selling them property that will never get a license and likely knocked down.

Yes,  I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Ah, Señora, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Angel since he was a

 youngster, too. He's no angel and is in cahoots with you robbing tose foolish chans. He's a lazy bigot, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire prvince. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died with embarassment.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice,